I have a little game I like to play by myself on lazy afternoons. The object of the game is to spontaneously kiss a handsome stranger in an elevator without exchanging a word. To date, I have never won this game. It is incredibly hard to kiss someone you don’t know, without any questions asked, […]
At some point, a while back, I sought the services of a handsome head doctor to cure my batshit-crazy mind. (Okay, fine, I have sought the services of twelve to fifteen head doctors. Leave me alone. It’s not relevant to this story.) The handsome head doctor probed deeply, listened carefully, and ultimately diagnosed me as […]
The first time you put her in the shower is the first time you make a mistake. Are you crying?” you ask her, afterwards. She sits opposite you on the wide shower floor, head draped between open knees, and doesn’t answer. The ends of her long hair sway in the rising swell formed by her blocking […]
Arla: Hey beautiful, whatchya doin? Received: 2:28PM Me: just having my way with the world. what about you? Sent: 2:31 PM
I like it when a man winks at me. I like it when a man catches me off guard. I like it when a man dangles a toothpick from the side of his mouth. Even better? A wooden match. I like it when a man makes me laugh. Hard. At him. I like it when […]
I have a new client. I am not going to reveal his name, which is Steve. Steve’s a Clooney. He lives in a gorgeous custom-built house way up in the mountains that I can only reach because last year I bought a kick-ass Jeep. I think the Jeep is part of the reason Steve hired […]
Momma has company today. Momma has company every day. Five or six men who might as well be the same man for all the difference they make in my life. They’re a bunch of bores, and they make me sick. I sit in the parlor and make puking sounds when they come down the stairs. […]
So I wake up this morning and it’s March. Which means it’s spring. Which means it’s time to get chased barefoot through meadows by strapping men again. (sigh) I know, right? Already? Don’t get me wrong. I’m in good shape. I’m looking forward to emitting some frolicsome cries. And I’ve been practicing slowing down without making […]
When your father is a professional gambler, you learn from a young age to disassociate from people and regard them as nothing more than the sum of their tells. This can be a very lonely world for you, especially as a child. But it’s no harder than you allow it to be. As far as […]
my delusions 