On Thursday, one in a long string of my exes rang me up.
He was in a bit of a state, wretchedly hung-over and piecing together some uncomfortable flashbacks of a failed threesome the night prior.
Whoops. Did I just say that?
“You won’t say anything to anyone?” he asked.
“Who would I tell? Your mum?”
He gave a rich chuckle, then fell into a professional hush.
“Wait. Would you tell my mum?”
“Would you like me to?”
“No!”
Let me start by saying that I am, arguably, the best ex of all time.
This is, in part, an attempt to atone for the fork-in-the-outlet personality I adopt while in relationship. True.
But it’s also because break-ups, viewed in the right light, are such a relief. Think about it. Whatever grievances we had when we were together get to be magically withdrawn.
Example:
You drank too much and bedded lord-knows-what and I tried to strangle you with a dish towel?
Scratch that memory. Because now I am the greatest supporter of your low-life inclinations.
Don’t hold back.
Let’s see how far you can take…
Okay. Wow.
That’s pretty far, no?
But, “Good for you,” I tell him, anyway.
“Do you think?” he asks, with hesitation. “I’m not even sure who she was and I have to see my work mate again on Monday. That might be weird.”
“You’ll be fine. Don’t worry about it.”
“I think I might have puked off to the side of the bed. I kind of remember that.”
“It happens to the best of us.” I tell him, winking at a large man in a Mini Cooper idling next to me at the traffic light.
“Does it?”
No. No, it does not.
It happens to you, specifically. A lot. Only now it happens without me. And it happening without me is my favorite thing about you.
my delusions 
Huh. I kind of feel the need to play devil’s advocate and ask – Are you bitter about this? You sound bitter.
Honestly, i get the same way sometimes. I still talk to my ex, and while we are good friends, we still have those moments where we want to stab each other with passive aggression.
i appreciate your boldness here. bitter was not the tone i was seeking, so i went in and did a rewrite. hopefully it reads better minus the stabbing.
Hahaha you are a devil 😀
i changed this post, in case you want me to delete this response? perhaps sadly, i don’t sound nearly as devilish anymore…
Oh no 😦 wait I ll read it again
Still sounds devilish to me! As long as you keep the part,
“Does it?” No. No, it does not. It happens to you, specifically
But don’t edit it more now. It sounds good this way 😉
To me it implies you don’t bother anymore to pointlessly argue with him over those things and just go with comforting him later because it no longer affects you?
i just laughed out loud that you said, “don’t edit it more now.” what a relief to have someone say that. okay, i won’t. actually, i should bustle off to bed now and dream some stories for you to interpret. ❤
Ah ok 🙂 we will talk tomorrow then when its day for you again, my day here has just begun 😉 Good night to you! Will look forward to hearing about your dream 🙂
That was rich! I’m pretty sure that I’m old enough to be your mom (mum where you live). Still, I remember having ex-boyfriends as friends once our ‘affair’ would be over with. I think I was more comfortable around them than I was my best friend. I hope you are enjoying the relationships you have with your exes.
in all honesty, i enjoy the relationships very much. they’ve seen me at my very worst and have, oddly, stuck around.
Is that a picture of Ajay Devgn from Bollywood – just saying. Always enjoy your writing 🙂
yes! yes! it completely is! ha ha ha ha! what do we think of him, by the way? i couldn’t help but include it when i read that he drives a mini cooper…