I got like all cut up again, like inside, a few weeks ago.
All this many recovering days later, the blood still trickles out of me, when it wants. Reminding me that it happened.
But I don’t recognize it anymore as belonging to me.
I’m detached from all the private betrayals. Using up what I still can and ignoring the rest.
Like the stampeding heart rate, telling me I must be hysterical. Close my eyes and sleep right through it.
The currents of my particular life are at once both so much more and so much less of me than they have ever been. Not at all what I anticipated when I ever, albeit rarely, honed in on the concept of future.
The negative space is exploding. Extreme shadow to the nth.
I watch the super-8 movies of my body and subsequent mind at age three, at age four. And I imagine I can see it, feel it almost. The way I was already lost, isolated, set adrift.
There is good in it, life. Has shock value. Like a mischievous saboteur hiding in the bushes, jumping out and screaming in our faces when we’re least expecting it.
And we drop everything we were trying to handle: the stability, the sanity.
It’s all over in a single instant.
11 thoughts on “what i’m doing anymore”
You know the future is very over rated. What counts is the past, and maybe the present … just a little. The past and (some of) the present is who we really are. The future is just somebody we might not want to be anyway.
are you sure about that? they all feel very disconnected to me, but lately i’m so curious about tying them all together. we were never going to be the people with a cohesive story, were we?
Yes I’m certain. Perhaps they seem disconnected because, though the past, the present and the future are one continuous flow, you’re damning up the past and present and so, draining the future. You’re not going with the flow like you used to. Why is that?l
so intuitive :: thanks marty :: needed that
Oh D, I wish it were that easy. I really do 😦
You write so powerfully. I don’t always know exactly what you mean, but I feel it in my bones and it resonates in my gut.
that is so generous, and greatly appreciated. i almost never know what i mean, so we’re together in that :: additionally, where the hell have you been?
I have been practicing silence. I’m not necessarily proud of that, but it was the only thing that made sense at the time.
The only moment we can actually can change is right now. We cannot change the past and the future is too uncertain to worry about. Live in the moment!