It’s been forever since I’ve written anything, and now I have this desire to sum up particular aspects of the last couple years of my life and get on with it. Though perhaps not without proving I learned some things first. I certainly can’t allow myself years that meant nothing. In that vein, my first […]
Things hurt now, in a new way, the likes of which I’ve never experienced. I go out night-walking with headphones, careful to avoid the train tracks, and sometimes I try to decipher what this pain is. I want to understand it, and to be able to explain it. The closest I can come is that […]
It’s Christmas in the year 2017 and I’m in two-bedroom suite in a tall hotel. Outside the the snow falls, which makes my son happy and therefore makes me happy. I sit with my morning coffee next to the window, beyond which a gondola runs the length of a mountain’s incline. I find the gondola’s […]
I am with Melancholy today. I haven’t spent much time with Melancholy lately, but that isn’t to say we’re strangers. We used to hang out a lot, in fact. Anyway, today we’re bedfellows. Today we’re tucked under a high pile of blankets with the shades drawn and a mess of clothes and books on the […]
I’m not sure what it means when something unknown and unexpected feels familiar instead. For all my livelong life, I’ve been propelled by some strange conflagration of nervous energy. A certain run-and-hide dynamic that leads me, time and again, into the arms of safely dangerous men. Which is perhaps where I’ve found myself again, except […]
It is mother’s day and I am maybe 12 or 13 or it doesn’t matter because one day it will all flow together and become indistinguishable anyway, and she has decided that I will be accompanying her to church. In the years leading up to this point, my father was still alive and the notions of my […]
why are you already a home to me and why was walking in on you, asleep on the couch to the left like walking through a dream i’d had as a child of the woman I would one day become the taste and smell of your breath […]
Sometimes I wonder if the way I love Django is the same way other moms love their sons. Only because it feels so much different. Or maybe it feels the same, but in a dark side of the moon way. A few weeks before Django was born, his paternal grandfather called me from Chicago. “I’m just […]
For Thanksgiving, Django and I are going on a little trip to see his dad’s side of the family. Despite my trying to wriggle out of it, (“This might just make everyone uncomfortable. Maybe it’s time we grow out of this. We’re really fine on our own.”), it’s still going to happen. I’m more or […]
Love is a funny thing. I never seem to get it right. But even so. Even when I screw up. And it’s over. And I’m left with my heartache. Left to muse over its rich complexities. There are still surprises. Like finding myself washed over by an insane calm. As if breathing is not the […]
my delusions 