the turn-around

On Thursday, one in a long string of my exes rang me up. He was in a bit of a state, wretchedly hung-over and piecing together some uncomfortable flashbacks of a failed threesome the night prior. Whoops. Did I just say that? “You won’t say anything to anyone?” he asked. “Who would I tell? Your […]

holy shit balls

Something that you might not know about me is that I am a very spiritual being. Whoops. That’s completely untrue. What I meant was, I am very sought-after, spiritually. I think I must have a certain FUCKING SAVE ME! air about me. Many religions seem to consider my soul an object of intense desire, and I […]

the post-game report

I have a little game I like to play by myself on lazy afternoons. The object of the game is to spontaneously kiss a handsome stranger in an elevator without exchanging a word. To date, I have never won this game. It is incredibly hard to kiss someone you don’t know, without any questions asked, […]

the head doctor

At some point, a while back, I sought the services of a handsome head doctor to cure my batshit-crazy mind. (Okay, fine, I have sought the services of twelve to fifteen head doctors. Leave me alone. It’s not relevant to this story.) The handsome head doctor probed deeply, listened carefully, and ultimately diagnosed me as […]

confession

I have a confession to make. Remember how last night you called, and I told you I was sick, and you offered to bring Indian food? Remember how I said no? Well, I wasn’t really that sick. And I ordered the Indian food anyway. And 30 minutes later when I went to pick it up, […]

blitzkrieg

Every now and then, out of the clear blue, I lose belief in my ability to maintain my composure. Like today, I am in Whole Foods. Totally normal. It is my neighborhood store and I am easily there once a day. What’s the problem, right? I’ve got this one. No. Because today, for absolutely no […]

more than life

I am not feeling funny today, which is not like me. It is probably kind of like Jemaine Clements not feeling sexy. I have no reason to be in a foul mood. Nothing particular even happened. It just seems that for every long stretch of senseless glee, I then somehow owe back. I don’t remember conceding […]