I don’t plan to cry when he leaves—that’s not the girl I am at all—but it sneaks up on me when I put my head down in the crook of his neck. His shirt is so soft and it strikes me hard and fast that no one is going to be here to tuck me […]
The hacker likes me, I suspect, for all of the things he can’t have from me, for all of the things I don’t give him. He doesn’t like me because I make him feel complete; he likes me because I make him feel desperate. He likes me because he can’t take my pulse, track my […]
A few years ago my heart broke for the final time. Being a reckless, passionate, and melodramatic woman, it never occurred to me that a heart can only be broken x number of times before it’s just done being broken ever again. Had I known there were a quota, I like to think I would have […]
“Isn’t it strange? I don’t even know you,” she says. This time they’re in his kitchen. It’s late now but they’ve been occupying the room for hours, since she went in to drink water straight from the faucet and he followed and a song came on that moved her and she raised her arms high and […]
You know, sometimes happiness is just so damn elusive. Sometimes life is just hard and the people you want to believe in betray you. Sometimes they go crazy, disown you, fucking die. Sometimes your heart breaks. (A lot of the time your heart breaks.) Sometimes you go on medication. Numb that shit out. Sometimes, days […]
Sometimes (all the time) I get scared that men will want something from me. Something heavier, more hidden, than my attention, my time. Something that will require I give an explanation. Even when I have nothing to say. Sometimes (all the time), I believe this. You either get me or you don’t. “But all I […]
Every ten years or so I get a Caleb in my life. They’re always younger but somehow more experienced than I am; they’re always sillier on the outside but sadder on the inside; they’re always some exciting blend of swagger and walking disaster; and they’re always completely unapologetic about who they are and what they’re […]
So I’m six days into my month-long commitment to steer clear of sexy men when Chief reaches out via Skype. “A whole month?” he teases. “How you gonna make it?” “I don’t know,” I tell him. “The chastity belt should help.” Chief is in the military. Once lived on a submarine for four years. Four […]
The last time I saw him he made me promise not to get emotional. Or, at least, I guess that’s what he made me promise. His phrasing was a bit more elusive than that. “Just fucking?” he texted, a few hours before. “Whatever you say, Bassi,” I texted back. See that? I used his last […]
It started with a kiss. Not a simple goodnight kiss, or a clumsy first kiss. It started with a street corner on which he stood, a parking spot into which I pulled, a car door through which he entered. It started with my body turning towards his, from my place behind the steering wheel. It […]
my delusions 