absence

“I want you to be fast asleep when I get there.” This is the text he sends, in response to my letting him know I’m in the city. It’s a little game we play. Although, honestly, I’d forgotten. It’s been a long time since we’ve seen each other, and there is no guarantee that the unknowing […]

manless january, the return

“I think it’s very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person.” -Oscar Wilde So I forgot to tell you about Manless January, which is a holiday I invented last year to save my own life. This year, Manless January acted more as a preventative. […]

belonging

“I own you,” he told her, at a time when he didn’t. And back then, she found the words bizarre, egotistical, naive. But more recently he’s become the conduit for her gaining a reality so lucid that she can’t help but submit to the truth in the statement. And she wonders how he knew before she did. Or if […]

brennan more

He says she’s guarded, that she’s got armor. But that doesn’t sound like her. Her words are more like . . . Poise. And subterfuge. She’s perched in his windowsill, writing. The house is old. It’s early morning and there is spring snow falling, uncertain in its descent. She left the house early for coffee. “Lie […]

closer to the truth

Two years ago, at about this time of year, Paddy flew me down to meet his parents. I mostly ignored the implications, and when his father told me it was nice to meet his son’s girlfriend, I replied, “Oh, I wouldn’t say I’m his girlfriend, exactly.” And Paddy fervently backed me up on that one. Still, […]

dressing down

He says some of the most ridiculous things I’ve never heard. Like when I show up in the low, black corset, a willful adaptation of the woman my mother wanted me to be. And I get, “Oh my god. Who is the retarded nanny that dresses you?” Maybe I’m supposed to be offended. But it’s far too funny […]

yellow ribbons

There are moments when I have the sense he’s messing with all of the neat little packages lining my shelves. Things I’ve wrapped up carefully, put away, to be looked at much, much later. One at a time with large spaces of time in between. If at all. “Where were you living and what were […]

the photojournalist

Regardless of whether or not he’s aware of it, I know already that the photojournalist and I are involved in a dynamic that is larger than either of us, the purpose of which I have yet to fully comprehend. Outwardly, we seem caught in a competition to see which of us can be more. The […]

because my soul wants to overflow

Sometimes (all the time) I get scared that men will want something from me. Something heavier, more hidden, than my attention, my time. Something that will require I give an explanation. Even when I have nothing to say. Sometimes (all the time), I believe this. You either get me or you don’t. “But all I […]

holding back

Very early on, I noticed how one side of Bruno’s mouth would draw up in a sneer when he wasn’t paying attention. For all of his carefully manicured self-possession, this was, at first, the only tell to his unrefined character. It was for the rest of that character to show up that I waited. “He’s […]