Seemingly out of nowhere, Electric Blue Running Shoes texts me, Hey do you remember kissing me what it was like? It is tempting to text back, How about you refresh my memory? But that would be a bad idea. Also a cliché. So instead I ignore him. For about two hours. (Electric Blue is not […]
Something that you might not know about me is that I am a very spiritual being. Whoops. That’s completely untrue. What I meant was, I am very sought-after, spiritually. I think I must have a certain FUCKING SAVE ME! air about me. Many religions seem to consider my soul an object of intense desire, and I […]
For the past several nights, I have been lying in wait, dreaming of a visit from The Seducer. I like giving this title to a man, heralding him as my own personal antihero. The Seducer. It’s provocative; it’s mysterious; it’s slightly dark and sinister; and it’s sexy as hell. At the same time, it also […]
I have a little game I like to play by myself on lazy afternoons. The object of the game is to spontaneously kiss a handsome stranger in an elevator without exchanging a word. To date, I have never won this game. It is incredibly hard to kiss someone you don’t know, without any questions asked, […]
At some point, a while back, I sought the services of a handsome head doctor to cure my batshit-crazy mind. (Okay, fine, I have sought the services of twelve to fifteen head doctors. Leave me alone. It’s not relevant to this story.) The handsome head doctor probed deeply, listened carefully, and ultimately diagnosed me as […]
I like it when a man winks at me. I like it when a man catches me off guard. I like it when a man dangles a toothpick from the side of his mouth. Even better? A wooden match. I like it when a man makes me laugh. Hard. At him. I like it when […]
I have a new client. I am not going to reveal his name, which is Steve. Steve’s a Clooney. He lives in a gorgeous custom-built house way up in the mountains that I can only reach because last year I bought a kick-ass Jeep. I think the Jeep is part of the reason Steve hired […]
I have a confession to make. Remember how last night you called, and I told you I was sick, and you offered to bring Indian food? Remember how I said no? Well, I wasn’t really that sick. And I ordered the Indian food anyway. And 30 minutes later when I went to pick it up, […]
I am seventeen and am informally adopted by a German geologist. He relocates “the family” to Perth, Western Australia. I fall madly in love with a younger but older boy who is a high school dropout and does nothing all day but smoke pot and practice handstands. His name, perfectly, is Caleb. Caleb does not […]
Every now and then, out of the clear blue, I lose belief in my ability to maintain my composure. Like today, I am in Whole Foods. Totally normal. It is my neighborhood store and I am easily there once a day. What’s the problem, right? I’ve got this one. No. Because today, for absolutely no […]
my delusions 